Tackling Unhelpful Thinking
The first step in tackling unhelpful thinking is to identify your unhelpful thoughts.
Next time you are feeling anxious, notice what you are thinking, and ask yourself whether the thought makes you feel better or worse.
Keeping a simple thought diary (on paper, your phone, or your computer) can help you recognise these patterns. Once you’ve identified the type of unhelpful thoughts you have, there are steps you can take to challenge and change them.
You already know that unhelpful or negative thoughts can make you feel worse about things. So, imagine how you might feel if you replaced these thoughts with more helpful, balanced ones.
The aim of this section is to give you the tools to do exactly that.
Step 1: Decide whether helpful or unhelpful
The first step in overcoming unhelpful thoughts is to recognise them. Once you’ve made a note of your thoughts, look though them and decide whether they were helpful, neutral, or unhelpful. Helpful thoughts are those that tend to give you hope, make you feel positive, or suggest some solutions or actions. Unhelpful thoughts are those that make you feel bad, and often don’t offer a way forward.
We all have both helpful and unhelpful thoughts at some point. By recognising unhelpful thoughts when they occur, we are better placed to do something about them
Step 2: Challenge your unhelpful thoughts
The next step in is to actively challenge the unhelpful thoughts that you have, by standing back from them and looking at them objectively. Imagine you are a lawyer in a court room. Try to look at the facts of the situation, and ask yourself whether your thought is a true reflection of reality… or whether it is distorted or inaccurate in some way. To help with this, there are a number of questions that you might want to ask yourself, depending on the type of unhelpful thoughts you are having (see below).
Step 3: Replace them
Finally, in the light of the evidence you have looked at, the aim is to replace your unhelpful thoughts with more accurate, balanced and helpful ones.
Click on the different types of unhelpful thoughts below to see examples of how this might be done:
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Catastrophising, black and white thinking, filtering, fortune-telling
- Is it really so bad, or are you exaggerating/assuming the worst?
- Is this based on facts, or your feelings?
- Are you discounting or overlooking other aspects of the situation?
- What is the most likely scenario?
Unhelpful thought: “Something has changed—there must be something terribly wrong.”
More balanced thought: “I’m assuming the worst-case scenario. Many changes in the perinatal period are normal for me or my baby. There’s no evidence right now that something serious is happening, but I’ll keep an eye on things and seek advice if needed.”
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Mindreading
- Are you jumping to conclusions without all the facts?
- Are you sure this is really true? Where’s the evidence?
- Could there be other explanations for other people’s behaviour?
Unhelpful thoughts: “Noone in the group spoke to me. They probably don’t like me.”
More balanced thoughts: “I have no reason to think they don’t like me. I have friends, so I am a likable person. Everyone here is probably feeling a bit nervous, unsure or tired. It might not be about me at all.”
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Setting unrealistic standards
- Are there other more balanced ways of looking at this situation?
- What’s really the worst/best that could happen?
- Where did these expectations come from, and are they realistic?
Unhelpful thought: “I should be able to give birth exactly the way I want to – 100% following my birth plan, with little pain, no complications or medical interventions, dim lights, and soft music. I don’t want any deviations or complications. ”
More balanced thought: “I have a birth plan so that my midwives know what my wishes are for the birth. However, childbirth can be unpredictable and doesn’t always go according to plan. Women have babies all the time; some have interventions and others don’t. While I hope I am able to have the baby the way I want to, I have thought about the other possibilities – and feel prepared and confident that whatever happens, I will be able to cope with it.”
While most births don’t have complications, unfortunately some do. And for some women, their expectations of childbirth are wildly different from the reality. Our research shows that having unrealistic expectations of childbirth can lead women to feel anxious, upset and like they failed if their birth experience significantly differs from their plans. As such, rather than having a strict, rigid birth plan, you might find it more helpful to outline your preferences, but allow for some flexibility in how you see your birth going – and think about possible contingencies. Being realistic about the different things that might happen during labour and the birth can help you to feel more confident and better prepared if things need to deviate from your original plan. And remember, there is no right or wrong way to have a baby.
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Harsh critic and underestimating ability
- Would you talk to someone you care about this way; what would you say to them if they were in a similar situation?
- Are you being fair to yourself?
- Are you underestimating your ability to cope with difficulties and challenges?
Unhelpful thought: “There must be something wrong with me – I’m just not enjoying pregnancy/parenthood as much as I should. I can’t cope with this.”
More balanced thought: “There is no ‘right’ way to feel. The perinatal period is a big adjustment, and it’s normal to have mixed feelings. I can be kind to myself and allow things to take time. I’ve coped with difficult situations before, and I’m more resilient than I think.”
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Emotional reasoning and confusing thoughts with actions
- How many times have I thought/felt _____ and how many times has it come true?
- Am I using emotions too much as a guide?
- What evidence do I have?
- Have I ever thought/felt something bad might happen but it never did?
Unhelpful thought: “I feel so nervous about my next appointment, there must be a reason for it… there must be something wrong with the baby.”
More balanced thought: “I tend to assume the worst is going to happen, and things usually do not turn out badly. I don’t have any evidence that my thoughts will increase the likelihood something bad happening, other than the anxiety I feel.”
NOTE – While many people find thought challenging and balancing really helpful, there is no ‘one size fits all’ for perinatal anxiety. It may not work for everyone, and can be difficult to do at first. We suggest trying this method for at least two weeks to see if you get results. The more effort you put in, the more likely you will see (and feel!) a difference.
